Other children may grab their toys at any moment. They have to be ready to defend themselves or give up. The amygdala is ready to be fired up at any moment. I have never seen a child too tired to respond. And then there is the dilemma of allowing the child to be themselves. If they are submissive or aggressive teaching them to do that appropriately for social situations. Submissive children may need confidence building at first and aggressive children have an over-firing amygdala. Why? They need to be re-wired to understand they are safe. When does a child understand that they don’t have to fight for their right when someone accident brushes against them…. about age 3-5. Early childhood age. Age 2-4 they are ready to pounce. And that is where I want to help your child. Achieve that balance of allowing others to have a turn, knowing your rights, and finding balance.
Of course we always want a win-win situation. And that can happen, but it takes TIME. And that is exactly what other preschool classrooms DON’T have. They are on a tight schedule and an aide or teacher will stay behind with a child with a firing amygdala. The other children are expected to leave the situation or ignore it. What if they have an inclination to help? I had a situation the other day that escalated to two children crying. The were crying, “I want mommy.” This is the normal response for a 2-year-old. We talked in the class, “What do you do when you miss your mommy or daddy?” Another child ran to her backpack and handed her most beloved toy to the other child. The other child hesitantly took it and settled down a bit. Then a second child ran to her backpack and got out her favorite toy, a police truck. She wanted to show the other child that this is her favorite, but she wasn’t ready to share it. And that is okay. The act of showing it to them was a wonderful step for this child. We took 10 min. to find our pictures of our family and talk about what we do when we miss out mom or dad. At the end of the play time we always do a check in.
What did you do today?
I miss my daddy.
I miss my mommy.
I want mommy.
Notice how all of those sentences are in present tense. These children are still working on (integrating a trauma, or memory) the fact that they miss their parent. And that is normal at this age. This will prepare them for the other life lessons that will come.
Things children do when they miss their mommy or daddy?
They think about their mom. Put their mom in their heart. Think of something. Ask for a hug. (great problem solving). Seek comfort from a stuffed animal. These are all their ideas. I have had children write a note to mom or dad. Draw a picture.
A teacher never knows the extent of how much a child misses their parent. Maybe the child is still working on attachment trauma. Were they a premature baby that didn’t get to bond immediately? I always approach every child curiously and with compassion.
Did I always have this much compassion crying children? NO! It is a time achieved goal. What is even a goal…not really. I did have children young (17) and I remember being frustrated sometimes. I ultimately have 5 children and fostered 3 children. Every child comes with trauma baggage, even biological kids! I was a child that cried a lot, according to my mother. I cried and cried and cried. I do not have a very keen memory to my childhood and my memory is not great. OF course, memory does not start working until 18 mos. according to Dr Siegel. I know from talking to my mother and father that during my early childhood there was marital problems, separation, and a severely depressed mother who neglected the needs of a crying baby. And this may be the reason I have such a passion for early childhood. I do believe that anything negative that happens in our life can be reincarnated to a beautiful butterfly. It has happened repeatedly in my life. Read how this happens with the Chinese farmer…
https://www.wordonfire.org/articles/fellows/the-story-of-the-chinese-farmer/
But I do remember in 3rd grade I wrote a paper about the number 100. I wrote that I wanted 100 children. It was back to school night and all the parents were walking around the room reading what all the children wanted 100 of…when they got to mine…
I want 100 children.
LAUGHTER filled the classroom. I felt shame, embarrassment, and didn’t understand why they were happy for me. This is one of my first LESSONS for understanding children. What kids say they mean. They are serious and don’t want to be the center of laughter.
Dr Dan Siegel is one of my favorite Mindfulness “go to”. The latest sessions I was able to find was on the Trauma-Sensitivity, Self-Compassion, Intergenerational Healing Sessions. These sessions were available by the Founder of The Awake Network, Compassion in Therapy. They have 3 days of video for free!
He talked about the predictable, present, compassionate adult that should be present for children. These qualities in an adult help the child to be able to grow and develop in a mindful way. What good is that? Studies show that if a person practices mindfulness (simply paying attention to your body, meditating, breathing, noticing, being curious about an emotion, or noticing nature) they are better able to process trauma. And if a child is taught mindfulness at a young age, they will be able to process childhood developmental trauma. https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/10/85-year-harvard-study-found-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-and-successful-life.html
A 85 year old study shows that relationships are one of the most important factors to living a happy life. And when your child is born you foster positive, healthy relationships for your child- grandparents, aunts, uncles, and eventually teachers. As a parent we wish for healthy relationships for our children. But what if your child is in a preschool with a teacher that is not present and unpredictable. These are simple traits that we wish everyone had, but the bottom line is everyone is human.
However, if you have ever been around a person that practices being present and listens…you know that person cares. I have been practicing mindfulness for 5 years now. Thanks to covid. I was a religious person previously and that got me to that point and then I found that mindfulness is religion for some people and religion can’t be whole without mindfulness. Jesus was mindful. That is what he did when he went to the garden. He meditated/ prayed!
I have also been working with children for 20 years. I have enjoyed learning from them and know that they are an unstoppable energy. They come with such positive energy every morning and I want to foster that energy and help them hold their place when they feel all of the many emotions packed inside their amazing brains.
